1. Don't think about the kids (not even for a second). This one's for you, Supermama! "If a woman wants to have a happier and more fulfilling sex life with her husband, she's got to set aside whatever is distracting her from him—that includes the kids," says Les Parrott, PhD, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and author ofCrazy Good Sex. Here's why this is so critical, Dr. Parrott explains: "He knows when you are genuinely with him, and when you are merely trying to check sex with him off your list."
2. One word: lube. Lubricant is the little thing that every woman should try to improve her sexual pleasure, and in some cases, even reduce sex-induced pain, says Amy Levine, sex coach, certified sexuality educator and founder of SexEdSolutions.com. "Using a lube is sure to enhance sexual enjoyment," says Levine. "Some women feel there is a stigma attached to using over-the-counter lubricants, as they are self-conscious that it implies something is wrong with them." Not true! "The truth is, our natural lubrication comes and goes during a sexual encounter; it's not necessarily an indication of our arousal. Besides, using a lube can make penetration a lot more enjoyable for both partners," she adds.
3. Don't strive for perfection. Cellulite? Baby weight? If you can manage to ignore it during sex, it will only intensify your pleasure, says Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical assistant professor at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. After all, your husband probably doesn't notice it anyway. "Many women think they have to compete with Sports Illustrated models or porn stars in order to turn their man on," he says. "But your man married you because you already had the right stuff. When women obsess about getting it perfect in bed, they actually increase their levels of anxiety and are less able to feel fulfilled. You can let your and your husband's natural rhythms guide you, rather than think about what move to do next. And if you're not getting the right vibes, it's OK to ask for what you want, or to ask what pleases him."
4.Silence your inner critic. Do you ever find yourself thinking about negative things in the bedroom? Whether it's about him, you or something else, try to zap those thoughts fast. "Nothing will sabotage a woman's sex life with her husband more than critical thoughts," says Dr. Parrott. "The key is to relax and be in the moment as much as possible. Criticism, even if it's not articulated, is deeply wounding in this most tender of places. Sex is a vulnerable act, and because of that, criticism is certain to cause anxiety and defensiveness. Make your bedroom a criticism-free zone."
5. Remember the emotional side of sex. "Why do studies show that married people have better sex then their wild and crazy single friends, or even their cohabitating pals?" asks Dr. Haltzman. "Because when you have an emotional connection to the person you are in bed with, the quality of the sex can be richer and deeper. When you're with your husband, focus on the commitment you have toward each other. See yourselves not just together in bed, but together in life, and it will increase your passion, and your sexual pleasure."
6. Schedule sex. It doesn't sound very sexy, but putting sex on your calendar may be one of the most important things a couple can do, says Levine. "Many women are 'doing it all'—taking care of the kids, having a job and running the household—and it's getting in the way of 'doing it.' Our lives are so hectic and sometimes our sex life is moved to the back burner. But if you want to make it sizzle, make the time for intimacy and pleasure."
7. A quick phone call, e-mail or smile—think about "foreplay" in new ways. Do you have 30 seconds? Send your husband a steamy text message or an innocent little "I love you" e-mail. It will go a long way in the love department, says Dr. Parrott. "Sexual intimacy rests on the foundation of emotional intimacy—especially for a woman," he says. "The happiest couples in the bedroom are the couples who see opportunities for emotional foreplay all day long. For these couples, sex is not a few minutes of physical pleasure, it's a process that involves engaging conversations and gentle caresses as a prelude to what happens in bed."
8. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Nothing quashes desire like a midnight intruder at the door saying, "Mommy, I have to go potty!" Dr. Parrott says, "If you have little ones, you're bound to be nervous about them showing up at the most inopportune moment, so eliminate this fear with a simple lock. Untold couples suffer anxiety about this when it is such a simple problem to solve."
9. Try to keep anger out of the bedroom. "For many couples, when you feel bad about your relationship, you feel bad about sex too," says Dr. Haltzman. "When conflict leads to feelings of resentment toward your mate, that can be a red flag for the health of the marriage. The best solution for letting go of the hurt is to stop and try to see your husband's behavior from his point of view. Remember, it's not like he wakes up in the morning and says, 'What can I do to make her life miserable?' so don't assume the worst."
10.Initiate sex. When's the last time you instigated sex? "This may be the most important tip of all," says Dr. Parrott. "Far too many women wait for their husband to make the move. And after a while, this sends an unintended message to him—that you see sex with him as a duty. Don't let that happen! Make it your goal to initiate sex with him at least once a month. You'll be amazed at how responsive he is!"
